Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Aurora returns

Aurora returns - tentatively dipping her toe in very muddy waters. This last year, which was meant to be the turning point in my life, the point at which I was to throw off the old and on with the new, has turned out to be no better, and possibly far worse, than that which had gone before.

 I have learnt many lessons. The main one that my ex-husband revealed himself to be far worse than the cheating, lying, promiscuous, spendthrift and thoroughly devious person than I already thought him to be. May I add vengeful, spiteful and downright dishonest?

Another lesson learnt is that most people are two-faced, disloyal, expedient and thoroughly unpleasant?

My God, the way people have treated me almost universally has been as though I was the guilty party, the one who lied, cheated, overspent, and misbehaved continuously throughout a 42 year marriage. The shifty glances, the "I can't possibly get involved" yet instantly making snap decisions and taking sides, the crossing to the other side of the road, the gossiping, the spite, the lying, shame on the lot of them. I am ashamed that I ever trusted them, or thought that they were my friends.

 These people have no moral compass. no idea how to behave, no compassion or self-awareness. How embarrassing you are, I can hear people say, you must suffer in silence. Do not make us feel uncomfortable, life must go on without you rippling the waters.

I will not suffer it any longer, rictus smile on my face, dying inside at the sheer callousness of these unpleasant people. Why should I suffer at your hands, why should you not be made to feel just slightly uncomfortable? What is it about you, your insufferable sense of self-importance, your lack of manners?

I have survived because of the wonderful compassion and loyalty of a very tight circle of the most wonderful friends, most of them people I have known for 40 years and more, some of them newer friends, and I might add, the ex-husband has never tried to make contact with any of them since I chucked him out and divorced him.

If he did, they would never respond. He knows full well how appallingly he behaved throughout our marriage, and he wouldn't wish to be called to account by people who truly know him.

I thank my wonderful daughters - this has been the most awful time for them - and they have weathered it amazingly - helping me through it all and being loving and staunch. They too lost their home, their lives were disrupted and turned upside down, no more family gatherings, having to face how their father behaved towards me throughout the bitter and protracted divorce. I salute them.

I am surviving - I have managed to relocate myself to a cottage, albeit one which was been a "packet of trouble" but which eventually will be charming. My heart was truly broken after Easter when I had to have my treasured Maudie put to sleep, at the grand old age of sixteen and a half. What a little fighter she was, but I had to make sure she did not suffer. I still see her out of the corner of my eye, a little flash of white, every day I think of her.

But - Billy and I will survive.


Red Lipstick said...

I've missed receiving your wonderful emails, Aurora! On a empathic note, I can relate to what you wrote, it is almost my own mother's storey as well. My mother lost many a friend during her 10+year divorice. People are cruel, and they are forced to become too aware of their own circumstances that they would rather not. (that's my guess anyway...)

I wish all the blessings of our dear Lord for you, strong Lady! May you find your NEW place in the world.

k said...

Welcome back Aurora! I am so sorry that you have been so disappointed by some of the people in your life. What a fine thing though to count a staunchly loyal group of friends and two loving daughters among your allies.

My condolences on the loss of your sweet Maudie. I am sure you miss her terribly. It always amazes me how intricately our pups are woven into the fabric of our lives so that even after they are gone, we catch a glimpse of them or hear the tapping of their nails on the hardwood floor.

I hope you and Billy will have a calm and delightful summer together. So glad to have an update on your continuing journey.

Rebecca Portsmouth said...

Welcome back. It's lovely to hear from you after such a break and I'm sorry life has treated you so shoddily. I hope this year improves for you and Billy and look forward to hearing more snippets of you, your friends and new home.

Susan said...

Sorry to hear that your year has been difficult, but so glad you're back blogging! I look forward to future posts on your cottage, your cooking and your life in general. Love your writing!

Sharon Wilcocks said...

So lovely that you have returned,
I have really missed your blog!
Not so lovely to read how you have been treated though...and so sorry to read about your beloved dog, what a great age to live to.
Wishing you all the best, please keep blogging, you write beautifully x

Anonymous said...

Hang in there, dear. You are in a better place now. No more wondering where he is, no more lies, no more pretending to be happy. This part takes a bit of time, but I promise you better days. Keep your tight circle of friends and make brand new ones. The ones you may have lost are not worth keeping. Little by little the days will be brighter. I know. I (and many others) have been where you are. Keep writing and just watch what happens. Warmest regards, - A

IsabelleAnne said...

I have wondered how you have been. Very glad you are writing here again & I'm so sorry that this post-divorce time has been so difficult.
My condolences on the passing of Maud. There is nothing like the unconditional love & friendship of our dog companions.
I send you my hopes that you will continue to heal & that each new day will be a little better than the last.
Hope you will continue to write here.

MLH said...

Welcome back Aurora. I have missed your posts, and the honesty and candour you display despite tough circumstances. Good on you for saying your piece, sometimes to put it out into the world can be so cathartic.

I hope you will find the joy in blogging again and in celebrating the simple pleasures, you always had such a knack for that. Please remember when times are tough that this too will pass. Sometimes that can feel the weakest advice but life absolutely will get brighter, particularly without those nasty witches in your life! Welcome back

Anonymous said...

I was so happy to see your blog again. I'm so very sorry for what you have gone through, sad to hear about your beloved pet. God bless you.

Liberty London Girl said...

Apologies everyone: LLG here. I am in charge of moderating comments, as Aurora hasn't *quite* got to grip with understanding how that works, and I hadn't realised there were any waiting...anyway they are all up now, & I promise to be more on the ball from now on. LLGxx

Anonymous said...

It is so wonderful to read your blog again. I always checked back to see if you would post. Sincerely sorry about Maud, she could not have had a better owner. I know you did all possible for her, and she was of great comfort to you. You certainly have had a year of change - and the first year is the hardest. You're past that now - and things will settle down little by little. You have to concentrate more on YOU - try to help a friend - bring flowers to someone - bake something for someone who would love a treat - and think of all the good things you have done. You have your health, you have a gift for writing and gardening, and making a comfortable home, and two daughters loyal to you. Thank God for the breath you take and your ability to make decisions. Some of your fears are dark imaginings, which you can control by moving on. YOU CAN DO THIS. Looking forward to your next post.

ChristineB. said...

So glad to see you are back. I kept checking and wondering how you were doing. My heartfelt condolences on the loss of your Maudie. It's been my experience that it takes hard times to know who your true friends are, and often they are fewer than we like to think. That's been my experience, anyway. You have courage, grace and you are strong. Best of luck with your new cottage. That will be its own adventure. I too hope you will continue to write. Warmest regards.

Anonymous said...

Aurora you are back...wonderful.
That must have made you feel better getting all that off your chest!!Enjoy your "real" loyal friends the others not worth a thought. So sad to hear about Maudie such a long wonderful life she had, she will always be there. Do take care and enjoy your cottage,Billy and your wonderful daughters.

Anonymous said...

Missed seeing your July post till today as have been away. I looked so often over the last year for your blog...and am thrilled to see it again though so sad about Maudie - and of course your so-called friends.
Looking forward to reading you next time. Agree with all the comments made above - you will surely find better times ahead.

Babycakes said...

I missed reading your blog.
Glad that you are back.
I'm sorry about what happened.
Some people just seem a bit hopeless & spineless, with no moral compass.
It seems that it's easier for them to blame the victim

Anonymous said...

You're back! Yay!! I too have missed your blog and have been wondering how you are. I am so very sorry to hear about Maudie, as a dog owner (although I think she may own me!) myself I can sympathise.

I found out who my true friends were when I was going through my divorce. It doesn't take long for people to show their true colours.

I do hope that you will keep blogging - I love your writing!

Sending you love and best wishes and the strength to stay strong and show them all how much better you are than all of them xx