Sunday, October 25, 2009

Falling leaves - on the cusp of Autumn and Winter

I am back - sitting at my kitchen table, wonderful calming music on the wireless, a large whisky
and dry ginger, with lots of ice, at my elbow. The ginger ale is Fever Tree, absolutely delicious, all natural fruit sugars, I strongly recommend it. My silence has been due to a severe depression, a huge low in my life, but today I feel able to shake it off, dust myself down, and get on with the business of living my life.

Why are human beings so spiteful, so vengeful, so petty, so downright nasty? That describes the philandering husband - his behaviour is beyond appalling. I have been desperate to divorce him for nearly 18 months, and he just will not cooperate. Every night, under my pillow, is an ugly wax doll, full of sharp pins. Who do you think that could be?

Enough - I must move on.

I feel as if I am in a cocoon. The first day after the clocks change, it is as if one is in another world. The evening closes in, it could be any time, everything around is quiet, occasionally one of the dogs muffles a little bark, and there is absolutely nothing else except the beautiful music in the background. I woke early this morning, and after letting the dogs out and feeding all the various animals, crept back to bed, mug of tea to hand, and the dogs and I snuggled up, and I read for two hours, before going to Matins. Divine.

These last weeks, the autumn colours and weather have been exceptional. The most glorious colours of the leaves turning, equally as beautiful as the Fall in the States. The days have been warm, everything bathed in a golden glow of a fading Indian Summer. The dogs and I have so enjoyed our walks: they run through the fallen leaves, put up pheasants from the hedgerows, the birds rising angrily, tails down, making their weird clacking noise, with Billy in full flight, jumping up, and nearly catching their tail feathers. He soon loses interest, and careers off after some poor rabbit, with Maud bringing up the rear, her little Jack Russell legs working like pistons trying to keep up. The pleasure I get from my dogs is infinite, which, I believe, is well-documented!

Today, we went our usual route, but it was windy, and the leaves just billowed down from the trees, carpeting the track like silent snowflakes. Such a difference in just 24 hours. I took a basket, and because the leaves were dropping, masses of sloes were exposed, which before had been hidden. I picked another large bag of the huge glistening berries, and will now have two huge flagons of sloe gin to enjoy in a few months' time.

I do a lot of thinking on these walks; it is a huge pleasure to have this solitude, and I find myself talking out loud, the dogs looking up at me quizzically, not understanding that I am not talking to them, but to myself. It is so therapeutic - my own personal therapy sessions. I know it is pointless to rail at the injustices in my life, I just have to try to make sense of everything. What I have discovered, is that compared to many people, my life is not all bad, and this seismic fracture will make me so much happier ultimately.

I have written before of my wonderful drive through Pakistan three and a half years ago, and how I was so distressed at recent events in that wonderful country. These last few weeks, my heart has truly bled for the Pakistani people. As I said, we visited Islamabad, Peshawar, Lahore and the Afghan border.

I find it unimaginable, knowing these places, what the inhabitants must be going through, witnessing the destruction of their country. The turmoil, the heartbreak, the bewilderment. I cannot reconcile in my own mind that this misery is, simplistically, in the name of religion. Shame on the perpetrators.

So often, on the television news, the places we see suffering such turmoil and destruction, mean nothing because we have no knowledge of the places. This time, I have been there, it is a wonderful country, they are a kind and hospitable people, and I truly hope for a peaceful resolution for the people of Pakistan.

Finally, the senior daughter is coming home from the States for a few weeks. I am so looking forward to having her home, how long she will be here, if indeed even for Christmas, I do not know, but I look forward to some lessons on the laptop, so at long last, I can get to grips with the essentials. In other words, getting a dialogue going with fellow bloggers. Watch this space!


Anonymous said...

You are back! I've been worried about you, for I know what depression can do, and I thought that might be the case.
The walks help, and the whiskey numbs it a bit...
You have been missed, and I am sure others are wondering where you'd gone to.
Hang tight, for you are right; in the end, it is for the best.
I have been reading a novel, written by an ex husband, who ran off with my best (French) friend at the time. They married, had four children, (should have been ours), and they both had successful careers as scientists...I stayed behind...married..have a good life, but also, have great turmoil in this marriage.
I read the book, and he does describe me (at least physically) to a "t", but the resemblence of the character ends there..thank God.
I couldn't finish the book, it was such a self indulging piece of tripe..Gosh, that made me somehow feel better...Ha!

shayma said...

we certainly are going to watch for this space, as we'd love to hear more from you- on twitter as well.

even in the midst of this patch of sadness, it seems you've got it right- there are so many beautiful things to see in this world and appreciate them; the crimson leaves, your darling dogs and your daughters.

it's so lovely to read about Pakistan in your post, from someone who has been there to see the splendours of that country and its people. i fear for my family all the time-my husband and i are going there for christmas to see them. fingers & toes crossed. i know it sounds selfish to think of one's family when your country is crumbling, but isnt that human nature- to think of family first? it is a sad, sad time. thank you for writing about it in such an emotive way.

Look forward to tweeting and blogging.

(this is @exromana by the way). x

Rebecca said...

Lovely to hear from you, albeit a tough time. Glad the autumn is providing such beauty in your life ... and hope you're consciously doing at least one thing for yourself every day. Your dogs sound wonderful - sending them and you hugs.

Anonymous said...

So glad you're back! :)

Helena Halme said...

I, too, am glad to hear from you. Autumn is a time for new beginnings, and I hope yours will go more smoothly in the future. Let us all know when you sign onto Twitter - but be warned, it's even more addictive than blogging. Helena xx

Anonymous said...

Lovely to hear from you again! I've been worried about you too and missed your beautiful writing

Chic Mama said...

i was getting worried about you sorry you've been feeling so low. That's what brings me back...realising there are people out there suffering so much more. x

Wildernesschic said...

I am glad I am not the only one who talks out loud and pretends its to the dogs .. sounds like you are in a healing stage this is good. I am imagine it is like a death it will come in waves anger, sadness .. relief just ride it through you have a string character and a good support network

Welsh Girl said...

I too talk to myself when walking, though I definitely pretend I am talking to the Loyal Hound. I also sing when I walk which can freak out other walkers a little bit if they stumble across me caroling tunelessly down the lanes.

Here the larches are turning. The colours are heartstopping and I shall be sorry when they have shed all their golden needles and left me with the gloomy industrial green of the evergreens.

everybodysaysdont said...

Great to have you (and your beautiful writing) back! xx

Anonymous said...

Just found you today. I'm across the pond (New Yorker -- actually Long Island). I'm 74 and love your writing. I will comment again, but I have to say for now, I, too, was in somewhat of your situation 27 years ago. While I feel your pain and anger, I want you to know you did the right thing at the right time. It was your self-esteem that finally said Enough!!!! Trust me, as long as you have your health, you can deal with anything. Do not take that for granted. Take the high road on what's getting thrown over the wall. Take good care of your physical appearance, always act like a lady (with some exceptions) and especially when you have appointments with lawyers and judges. Be productive.