I am back - sitting at my kitchen table, wonderful calming music on the wireless, a large whisky
and dry ginger, with lots of ice, at my elbow. The ginger ale is Fever Tree, absolutely delicious, all natural fruit sugars, I strongly recommend it. My silence has been due to a severe depression, a huge low in my life, but today I feel able to shake it off, dust myself down, and get on with the business of living my life.
Why are human beings so spiteful, so vengeful, so petty, so downright nasty? That describes the philandering husband - his behaviour is beyond appalling. I have been desperate to divorce him for nearly 18 months, and he just will not cooperate. Every night, under my pillow, is an ugly wax doll, full of sharp pins. Who do you think that could be?
Enough - I must move on.
I feel as if I am in a cocoon. The first day after the clocks change, it is as if one is in another world. The evening closes in, it could be any time, everything around is quiet, occasionally one of the dogs muffles a little bark, and there is absolutely nothing else except the beautiful music in the background. I woke early this morning, and after letting the dogs out and feeding all the various animals, crept back to bed, mug of tea to hand, and the dogs and I snuggled up, and I read for two hours, before going to Matins. Divine.
These last weeks, the autumn colours and weather have been exceptional. The most glorious colours of the leaves turning, equally as beautiful as the Fall in the States. The days have been warm, everything bathed in a golden glow of a fading Indian Summer. The dogs and I have so enjoyed our walks: they run through the fallen leaves, put up pheasants from the hedgerows, the birds rising angrily, tails down, making their weird clacking noise, with Billy in full flight, jumping up, and nearly catching their tail feathers. He soon loses interest, and careers off after some poor rabbit, with Maud bringing up the rear, her little Jack Russell legs working like pistons trying to keep up. The pleasure I get from my dogs is infinite, which, I believe, is well-documented!
Today, we went our usual route, but it was windy, and the leaves just billowed down from the trees, carpeting the track like silent snowflakes. Such a difference in just 24 hours. I took a basket, and because the leaves were dropping, masses of sloes were exposed, which before had been hidden. I picked another large bag of the huge glistening berries, and will now have two huge flagons of sloe gin to enjoy in a few months' time.
I do a lot of thinking on these walks; it is a huge pleasure to have this solitude, and I find myself talking out loud, the dogs looking up at me quizzically, not understanding that I am not talking to them, but to myself. It is so therapeutic - my own personal therapy sessions. I know it is pointless to rail at the injustices in my life, I just have to try to make sense of everything. What I have discovered, is that compared to many people, my life is not all bad, and this seismic fracture will make me so much happier ultimately.
I have written before of my wonderful drive through Pakistan three and a half years ago, and how I was so distressed at recent events in that wonderful country. These last few weeks, my heart has truly bled for the Pakistani people. As I said, we visited Islamabad, Peshawar, Lahore and the Afghan border.
I find it unimaginable, knowing these places, what the inhabitants must be going through, witnessing the destruction of their country. The turmoil, the heartbreak, the bewilderment. I cannot reconcile in my own mind that this misery is, simplistically, in the name of religion. Shame on the perpetrators.
So often, on the television news, the places we see suffering such turmoil and destruction, mean nothing because we have no knowledge of the places. This time, I have been there, it is a wonderful country, they are a kind and hospitable people, and I truly hope for a peaceful resolution for the people of Pakistan.
Finally, the senior daughter is coming home from the States for a few weeks. I am so looking forward to having her home, how long she will be here, if indeed even for Christmas, I do not know, but I look forward to some lessons on the laptop, so at long last, I can get to grips with the essentials. In other words, getting a dialogue going with fellow bloggers. Watch this space!
6 days ago