Friday, November 20, 2009

The Tory MP, his mistress and £30,000 for love nest

Oh the resonance here! Yes, I know all about these situations - the philanderer has had 16 mistresses, so I expect he has spent shed loads over £30,000 on them all! Dear, oh dear, life has repeated itself since time immemorial. Why am I surprised?

The only surprise is why I let myself be drawn into such a cesspit. I did not know for a long time what he was up to, and I did try quite a few times to draw a line under it all - now, thankfully, I have had the courage to carry it through, and I must hope that, although my life will never be the same again, at least I will have peace of mind. I doubt whether the philanderer will sleep easy in his bed ultimately (certainly not if the present slapper is beside him) He has met his Waterloo.

Now - for more pleasant topics. I woke even earlier than usual, 4.45am, the house was silent, all I could hear was the steady rise and fall of the dogs breathing, and the rain splattering hard against the window panes. Occasionally the odd stray tendril from the wisteria slapped against the window, and it sounded as if someone was gently tapping to be let into the room. This house is my sanctuary and refuge, and I lay warm and cozy in bed, a myriad thoughts running through my mind. First and foremost, I was wondering just exactly where the senior daughter's plane was forging through the clouds, bringing her home. I imagined the dimmed lights in the cabin, people beginning to stir, blankets falling to the floor, and the hostesses starting the ritual of preparing the breakfast trolleys. People clambering over their neighbours to get to the washroom - a queue forming along the aisle. I am very excited at the thought of seeing her - I shall wait here at my laptop for the call to say she has safely landed, and will soon be on her way down the M40, and home in time for a late lunch.

Maud lay up my side like a sausage, and Billy lay with his head under my chin. I absent-mindedly stroked the soft silky fur of his ears, and looked down at him and thought of his mother, and how he reminded me of her. I think of Violet often, and thank my lucky stars that I hsve Billy, a precious gift, heaven sent.

In all the years that I was married, I now know that I was seriously depressed, not functioning on a normal level. I was so unhappy, there was no trust, no respect, an empty shell. My husband was so unkind to me, and now, I feel a whole person for the first time in over 40 years. I laugh, I enjoy little things, life is good, material things are not important, I find relationships with the world at large are easier, because I am at last a person in my own right. People seem to like me - before I assumed noone did. I had no worth. I have come to believe that we have a passage through life, circumstances change, we move on sometimes, and that can be necessary in order to become at ease with oneself. I firmly believe that my future life will have been worth the waiting.

It is such a grey, wet day - it is now nearly 8.30 am and it is still darkly silent and the sky is lowering, promising a day of squally rain. A day to stay inside - I am about to have my mug of freshly brewed coffee - and then I am going to make some spicy butternut squash soup for the senior daughter and I to enjoy by the fire. I am looking through the kitchen door, into the family room. Billy and Maud are snuggled down into their sheepskin beds, just the top of their heads and ears showing, every bone in their body saying "Do not attempt to take us out for a walk. We are staying put". Oh yes, until the senior daughter rings the doorbell. All Hell will break loose - they adore her, and the howls, aqueaks, barks and moans will signal to the wider world that they are in total heaven.

7 comments:

Kate said...

I just had to write and tell you how much I love reading your posts. Sadly, your story is very familiar to me, in its many different variations. Hang in there, hold your head up high and keep going. Each day things will improve for you I have no doubt. I would echo what others have said before; your writing is beautiful and something to pursue professionally perhaps a little later on. xx

Reluctant Blogger said...

Oh! I don't know why but I thought you were in the US! How odd. It gave me quite a shock to see you writing about the M40. I'm glad you're in the UK anyway despite the foul weather.

My experience was different to yours in many ways but like you I felt an immense release when I got out of my relationship because it had sucked so much of ME out of myself. Well, I had allowed it to. I felt like I could breathe again and enjoy life the way I wanted to, look at things and think what I wanted to about them. I still have that huge and breathtaking sense of FREEDOM. And I love it. It's not always easy being on your own (and I am and I'm not - I have my children and a girlfriend who lives far far away) but it is always wonderful even when there are worries and problems because I know that I can solve them in the way that I wish to do so or ignore them or whatever.

I am sorry you went through so much sadness to get where you are today.

Chic Mama said...

I'm so pleased you can see how beaten down you were and how much better off you are now.
It's sickening the money that was wasted but unfortunately there is nothing that can be done to get it back.
Enjoy having your daughter home. I love homemade butternut squash soup. xx

Anonymous said...

I was getting worried about you...seems you are doing much better.
I should think that, after so many years married, British law would force him to pay you something! This coming from someone trapped in a marriage, and feeling too old to start over once again. Sometimes, when not given the choice, things work out better.
Time to stop feeling sorry for myself, and to realize that in the end, we are the only ones responsible for our own happiness.

I hope you enjoy your daughter's visit.

giulia said...

Of course people like you! (But I know how one can get find oneself into that particular loop...esp. in a relationship such as you had).

Have a wonderful time with your daughter (her blog is a must-read)...I hope by the time I type this in the States, she's arrived (or you've heard from her) at 4:25pm your time.

Cheers to you & the pups.

Heather said...

I love reading your blog. It gives me so much hope and just brightens my day. Thank you.

Red Lipstick Style said...

I just want to say that I am so glad you were able to keep your home because I beleive as you do, Your Home is Your Sanctuary!

hugs and blessings,
Shari