Monday, March 7, 2011

A host of golden daffodils

As is my wont, I am sitting at the kitchen table, and in front of me, is a large Spring Green pottery jug filled with intense yellow daffodils. The sort of daffodils that horticultural purists call brash and common. However, to me, they are a wonderful splash of colour, a hint of nascent Spring.

Yesterday and today, the weather has been glorious, intense blue sky, yesterday still chilly, but today, degrees warmer, and so welcome after weeks of icy cold weather. We played tennis, at last managing a Monday morning with out snow or rain, and we filled our lungs with the fresh air, and revelled in the soft sunshine. Overhead buzzards were wheeling, as the dogs rushed around the outside of the court, Maud, Billy and two visiting dachshunds Heber and Twiglet. I had thought that by now I would have moved on from this house, and to another life, but it felt so good to be able to start yet another Spring here.

I am feeling a little more bullish, last week was jolly, I had my girls' evening, and I loved the fact that I amused my lovely loyal readers with my tipsy account posted in the early hours of the following morning.

On Friday, I was invited to a girls' lunch. Hey, hold on, I can hear you saying, you keep saying you have no social life. Well, this was rather unusual - twice in one week. The lunch party was another jolly occasion. I think there were 9 of us, it was a birthday celebration for one of the guests, and we had fun.

We sat in a long orangery-like conservatory, and it was so warm, through the glass roof the sky was cerulean blue, and though outside it was very cold, the temperature inside was degrees warmer and sunshine flooded in. We ate pasta with a wonderful roasted pepper sauce, and chocolate cake with strawberries, and drank delicious chilled white wine.

My social life has been very circumscribed for the past two and a half years, but recently, it has started to improve and there is no doubt one feels better with some regular human contact. For months, I felt embarrassed and uncomfortable in a social situation, having discovered that the ex had conducted a separate social life locally behind my back.

I always wondered just exactly who had been included in these clandestine arrangements, and it seriously undermined my confidence. Although, to be truthful, one grew to know, due to the way people avoided me. Not surprising, as they had been enjoying hospitality from the ex and his woman, in my home, whenever I was away. To this day, I cannot understand his behaviour, and that of his companions. Nor his craven self-justification, which comprised destroying my character, and attibuting behaviour to me that was unfounded. Let's face it, anyone who indulges in constant extra-marital relationships from the inception of a 42 year marriage is probably devoid of a conscience or any sense of the proper way to behave. I still can't work out why this relationship continued for so long, why did he not bale out of our marriage? Maybe, a case of having his cake ..... What luck I took matters into my own hands and made the decision for him.

Enough of the choleric ramblings of an old woman. It just seems to be taking rather a long time to put it all behind me. If I am not careful I will become a bore - and I am sure that I am guilty of the cardinal sin of repetition. The moral high ground is a very lonely position to inhabit. Maybe not worth it, after all. Oh yes, it is!

Away to the sofa, a decent glass of Montagne Saint Emilion, University Challenge - and of course, les chiens adorable.


karen said...

Of course it takes a long time to get over something as massive as that after decades of marriage. You're too hard on yourself! Yes, Spring - I can see the growth and healing in every word you type...

Cristina said...

Another day, another wonderful post. I enjoy reading about your baby steps, it gives me courage to take mine. Yes, the moral high ground might be a lonely place to inhabit...but it has it's rewards. xo

Anonymous said...

Entertained with her in your own home! I'm speechless.

It takes more than a year to get over that kind of betrayal, so go easy on yourself.


Sam said...


I have just come across your blog via your daughters blog which I enjoy reading very much.

Your blog also looks very lovely, and you have a beautiful house..I wish I could stay and have a read, but at the moment, but my house is a bomb sight, and housework is calling!

I shall stop by again!

Best wishes

Catherine said...

I just found your blog via your daughter's. I have only read your latest posting so far but just had to comment. In my best Victor Meldrew voice I cannot believe that people went to your home to 'enjoy' your spouse's hospitality alongside his other woman. What on earth? I am not surprised you felt peculiar. The advent of spring is always a joyful and special time though and I hope you continue to feel better.

Christina @ Fashion's Most Wanted said...

You have every right to take the moral high ground. I can't believe he did that! What an idiot.

Is there no way you can stay in your house and take in guests? It sounds like the perfect compromise. I would be in no rush to sell if I were you. Although I'm sure it's more complicated than that. It would be great if you didn't have that hanging over you xx

T F Paris said...

43 years is almost as long as I have been alive, I would be more worried if you were over it by now than not. I can't imagine the psychological torture knowing what you know now, it would give anyone a cause to redefine their life.

My sister has gone thru something similar so I feel your pain as I feel hers. Maybe someday you will consider collecting your memoirs in a book, so you'll be a successful writer not because of him, but in spite of him. Looking forward to your future posts.