It is hard to know where to begin - life is still spiralling downwards, like a biplane in a tailspin.
I have never felt so vulnerable,yet over the last three weeks since I left hospital, my friends have been amazing. I have had major surgery, and am unable to do very much for myself and life is very proscribed and stretches ahead of me until the end of July, when I hope to be able to drive once more. and try to resume a semblance of a normal life again and perhaps start walking my dear dogs once more. I do miss the walks in the countryside during the summer.
It is difficult to comprehend just how bad life has been for the past two years - just as I think a corner has been turned, one is struck by a double hammer blow yet again.
I do believe in Karma, but I am being sorely tested at the present time. I know I am fortunate to have such good friends - I was taken into hospital, visited regularly, collected and taken home again, my dogs were lovingly looked after whilst I was in hospital, and when I arrived home, delicious meals were delivered on trays, flowers sent and arranged, and I have had many visits, and loving care. I was so worried about living on my own, thinking I would never cope when I came out of hospital, but I have been so fortunate. A girlfriend came with an enormous bunch of peonies from her garden, another with freshly laid eggs from her hens, another regularly walks the dogs, I have been out to one of two social events, and have been collected and taken home again afterwards. The senior daughter came home and cooked delicious food - it has made such a difference.
The house is on the market now as I have written before, but as things stand at the moment, I am not able to sort the house out further, so events will just have to take their course. I am at least able to watch Wimbledon and to enjoy the sunshine and the gsrden for the last summer before I finally move away. A bittersweet experience after the vicious winter, the garden is fecund, green and lush, as if it is saying its goodbyes to me. The roses will be spectacular this year, as was the wisteria.
However hard I try, I find it difficult to accept how life will change for me over the coming months. I feel very unwell, and will take months to recover, and the thought of losing my life is very hard whilst I feel under par. I am completely unable to understand how my ex-husband could have been allowed to treat me as he did - and how the Courts could have sided with him, the wrongdoer in every respect. It is doubly hard to accept him living under my nose with his mistress,ruining everything I do, and enjoying a lifestyle that I can only dream about.
Before I sign off and clamber into my big soft bed with my beloved dogs, I must hug to myself the residual wonderfulness of last Friday night, when some quite darling friends of mine took me to Garsington Opera, and treated me to the most delicious dinner inthe interval. We saw the Marriage of Figaro, quite my favourite opera. It was glorious, the singing was amazing the cast obviously loved every minute and it cheered me up immeasurably There are still some very cheering things in my life amid the gloom and i do realise that one's cup is always half full, not half empty.
The kitchen french windows are still ajar, and the night air is really cold, despite it being Midummers Night. An owl is making quite an eerie racket, otherwise the night is very still. Bill is breathing deeply in his basket, and Maud is supine on the sofa next door - neither will appreciate being booted outside for a late night widdle - tough luck!
6 days ago